anil gupta's blog

When devotees have withered away


From your courtyard


Some after waiting to be blessed by you


Some getting their prayers answered


By even your denial,


But is denial by you not a kind of


Affirmation,


What do you feel


When clouds feel shy of the


Reflections they see


In the lakes around the


Meadows


Clear and yet confused


Why should reflections be not as serene


As the thoughts


Are you saying that


We have right only to think,


Not feel or do enough


Lest thoughts strike chords


In your heart


And u cannot deny


Any more


Wishes of your ardent devotees

	

or leave me on the threshold
of a tired evening
when you were in a rush to leave
and i was just getting ready to
open the window
so that you could see the moon
ascending on the horizon
withot any burden of  memories
or for that matter
the meanings
that need explanation

do not tell me that u want me
to come along
you gave all the blessings
for filling my boat
with smiles, and substances that
you yourself never got
today when i hesitated
and let you take the next step
you again blessed me and asked me
to be happy and just be,
now that when i go
and go happily
you fill tears in your eyes
and make me feel sad
and suddenly realzing
that it will make me sad,
u smile, laugh and tell me
go and relish the new world
u gave me
because when i turned towards this way
you were hesitating, tied to
old annchors
faithfully filling your duty
twoards the waves that took off’
when you threw stones
in the river
as if to just count
the ripples
each pregnant with smiles
that you wish to see in the sky
and i wore blues
to tell you
that i want you to be happy too
though you will bless me and
not know, how to turn away your eyes
when u make me sad

deeper waters and still air
why will the
boat not remain static
but then it does not,
it leaves one shore and does not reach another
till some waves forgetting their inner resolve
try to quiver and clear the way
i face a ridle
which i can not resolve
you ask me why, and i just smile
with tears in my eye

for a while

why will u worry
when i kneel before you
and you push me away
telling me about the wind
and the clouds
that have to shower their blessings
on a place where the  banks of a river do not meet
i must remain here
waiting for your attention
and you must focus O kali
on the fairy tales
that tide of a sea are telling
how brutality of yours has been beatified
why should u let me bow and be close to your bosom
the beats may tell
all the wavering you go through
when u maintain the facade of your indifference

even though

i passed by your temple every day

did we meet at all

you weighed the offerings

the earrings, the necklace, the braclets and the kind

you were covered with garlands that devotees brought

may be, the aroma of those flowers

had soothed your nerves

so much

that a few crumpled leave i offered

did not make you open your eyes;

stay asleep

who knows some day when all flowers have dried

and when leaves have been assimalted

by the ants underneath your feet

you will remember

the feeble sounds of the bells

i rang

when i left your temple empty handed

 

 when did you forget

taking revenge from all those

who defied you

and yet were your devotees;

is it because of that

 

do u not understand

why i seek your

gaze

exclusively

i know you will have scorn

and some time even

scary indifference

but then at least you will be possesed

about me

so do i hope

nay, pray

black from outside
you have golden sparks of fire inside
when you need to be dismissive
u find things more important
than paying attention to
devotees
who lie at your feet
praying for the caresses of your blessings
why do you miss them then
are u really worried about the
light that you need to absorb
through a black coat of
a wanten night
splashed all over the lake
in which you can not dive

why should  you
frown and be dejected
at seeing my spirit still roaring high
like a wave untamed
i do not need to be terrified by your brutality, O Kali
i can understand why
you have to be so ruthless
because
that is the only way
you can deal with your
inner turmoil
but i will not make things easy for you
i will splash cold water over your eyes
i willa also not bend my eyes down
lest you feel
even more angry
i will look through your fierce looking eyes
and wait to be decimated
do not just become kind, Kali

kali is kind
but higher kindness
is a cut above all the cruelty
she loves you so  intensly
only to let you realize
that love must be subtle
she is just
but lets you do injustice
to those u love
the fire of guilt
and the rain of reflection
alternate in her lap
you choose to burn
in one
or relax in other
either way
you are dismissed
eventually